How to Handle Conflict with Peers

03/05/07

Human life consists of a bunch of deeply flawed people interacting with each other. David P. Gushee’s wry observation certainly applies to relationships at work, especially peer relationships in which exercising power is not an option.

It’s important to put good conflict resolution skills to work with a peer, whether the issue is a dispute over resources, a talented staffer you both have your eyes on, a strategic project you’d both like to spearhead, or plain old personality differences. Honing your skills in diplomacy not only keeps your department (and organization) humming, but having such skills is a key requirement for anyone hoping to move up the organizational ladder.

Deal with Unavoidable Conflicts
Peer conflicts are like potholes in the road. Some you can avoid; others you have to deal with head-on. These eight suggestions can help you handle the unavoidable ones effectively.

1. Clarify what the other person wants. Start by asking questions: “What is it about my request that’s causing you problems?” “I want to know more; give me some details.” Follow the answer you receive with a reflective summary: “So what worries you most is…”

This technique helps you establish rapport and shows empathy for your colleague’s point of view. If you don’t understand the other party’s position, the two of you may gnaw on your bone of contention indefinitely.

2. Seek common ground. Try to find some point, no matter how trivial, that both of you can agree on. This may be something as simple as agreeing that you want to work together. It’s a beginning.

Test your coworker’s flexibility with such questions as, “Which of your concerns is negotiable?” Or, “How can we start to work this out together?” Your colleague’s reply will give you some sense of how strongly he feels about the issue and whether he’s open-minded or ready to dig in his heels.

3. Adopt a “we” orientation. “You” and “I” are adversarial; “we” is collaborative.
Which sounds better: “We’ll both benefit from resolving our differences,” or “You and I had better get this settled.” In the same vein, calling the other person by name puts your discussion on a more personal level. (“Ellen, shouldn’t we be able to work this out together?”)

4. Ignore annoying habits and mannerisms.Some people’s personalities, voice tone, or facial expressions are inherently aggravating. They can’t help it. Best advice: Overlook it. What’s important is what they’re saying, not how they act, sound, or look in the process. Don’t let irrelevant irritants keep you from focusing on the problem at hand.

5. Mention quid pro quo.Without sounding like The Godfather, point out the mutual benefits of reaching agreement. Knowing that they may need a favor from you later on may move some unyielding peers off dead center. This tactic has been practiced in Washington, D.C., for more than two centuries.

6. Offer to compromise. If you’re working with a reasonable person, your willingness to bend a bit may move you closer to agreement. Be careful, though. An aggressive coworker may interpret your offer as a sign of weakness.

7. Ask your boss to be a sounding board. If you’re dealing with someone who refuses to communicate or cooperate, suggest taking the matter to your mutual supervisor. Possible benefits:

Your boss might propose a resolution that neither of you had thought of.

Having to explain or defend an uncompromising attitude to your boss may prompt an obstinate peer to take a softer position.

In a team oriented workplace, involving your boss will make a stubborn colleague look bad and hence may break the stalemate.

A word of warning. You shouldn’t appear to be an inept pair of whiners who can’t settle their differences without involving a higher authority. If that’s how your boss will see you, rule out this option.

8. Put your efforts to negotiate in writing. An e-mail or memo explaining your attempts to reach agreement can protect you from criticism if your conflict reaches higher management’s ears. The fact that the issue has gotten into print (at least between the two of you) may be enough incentive for your hard-nosed counterpart to sit down and deal.